Alexander Kobulnicky

The New York Times’ website, in addition to all the news that’s fit to print, features an Associated Press feed. Today, this article scrolled by, listing toys to be debuted at a trade show this weekend. Most interesting is the “Puppy Tweets” accessory, which clips on to your dog’s collar and monitors his vital signs, sending messages to Twitter about what he “might be up to.”

According to insiders, the collar attachment will monitor the dog’s “level of activity and barking” and will accordingly compose tweets that are “humorous or poignant.” No examples of a poignant tweet are offered, nor is it clear what level of activity or barking could reliably distinguish a pathetic moment from a comic one. I suppose, if Puppy Tweets comes with the basic ability to monitor vital signs like temperature and pulse, that it would be able to send out a tweet when your dog dies — and several more as its body cools — but if there are more mundane tragedies in a dog’s life, they might be beyond its ken.

At first, it’s hard to imagine that anybody could be stupid enough to buy Puppy Tweets. On the other hand, it vaguely resembles the microchips that people get implanted under their dogs’ skin, making it possible to track them if they get lost. It’s only a matter of time before someone combines the concepts, implanting Puppy Tweets under the skin, where it can offer real-time commentary on your dog’s physiology. A humorous or poignant series of tweets might track the progress of a crunched-up chicken bone through your dog’s intestines, while a more flirtatious message might signal that she’s in heat.

Part of the promise of the modern age is the hope of an audience — somewhere — for everyone. Right now it seems unbelievable that anyone could be interested in a dog’s inner life, but nothing can bring reader and writer together across continents like Twitter. Before now, the only way for curious souls to see things from a dog’s point of was to get a dog, with all the expense and trouble that entails. But soon, cyber-dogs will be communicating their feelings to interested parties around the globe. Whenever a dog gets skunked, humps somebody’s leg, or pukes up the shards of a tennis ball, they’ll know about it.